A Club To The Head
by Arlewena
Summary: ...Would have been less painful. Kel is gone, but she has left a letter addressed to Neal. This is what comes after she leaves. A continuation of my previous one-shot All I Wanted.
**Author's Note: This fic was originally a song-fic to All I Wanted by Paramore; the song has been removed due to the regulations for this site.** **I however highly encourage readers to listen to it while they read the letter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Peirce's amazing characters. No profit is made from this.  
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 **Chapter 1: All I Wanted-**

Neal was close to panicking. Kel was missing! It had been three days since anyone saw her, and Lalasa has gone off with Tobe to some sick noble woman's estate so as to make her a dress to be buried in. Could she have any worse timing? They would be back by the end of the week and Neal was sure they would have some clue as to her whereabouts. She tells them everything! Used to be she would tell him too, but lately he had noticed a wall appearing between the two of them. Kel had been withdrawing from him more and more, and he had no idea why or how to fix it. He missed his best friend. To make matters worse his fiancé was trying to push up the wedding! She didn't even seem care that Kel was missing, stating that Kel was her friend and probably just needed some time to sort things out. Whatever that was supposed to mean! Well Neal for one was not ready to get married without his best friend! Who else would make sure he showed up on time, or that he looked presentable? Who else would reassure him when he got wedding jitters before the ceremony, and keep him from bolting? Kel was the constant in his life; she was always there when he needed her. She couldn't be gone now! No one else really seemed concerned about her absence. They just told him that Keladry was a very capable knight and could handle herself. No one else found it odd that she had disappeared so close to his wedding. But Neal knew different, he was the closest to her, and knew she would never abandon him so close to his wedding like this, without even telling him why or where she was going or that she would be back in time for his wedding no matter what! If there was one thing he knew about Kel it was that she was dependable. She would never do something as irresponsible as leaving without a word. That was his job!

As Neal neared Kel's rooms, he prayed to whatever God was listening that he would find some sign of her. This was his last hope. He had nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to if this fell through, at least not until Lalasa returned. Luckily he had been able to convince Owen, Raoul, and Roald to come with him. Owen and Raoul, because they had acknowledged that it was most unlike Kel to disappear for three days without telling anybody, and Roald had come because he trusted Neal's judgement concerning Kel.

"If you think something is wrong with Kel, than I believe you. You and Kel always had an eerie ability to understand the other." Roald had told him.

"Kel let us in!" Neal shouted, banging on the door, he didn't expect an answer but thought it better to announce their presence just in case. "If you don't open up the door in five seconds, we are knocking it down!" He continued. There was still no answer. Exchanging looks with his companions, Neal moved to the side and allowed Raoul to bust the door open. He winced as the lock snapped; Kel would murder them for this.

They cautiously made their way inside, shivering as the cold air hit them, noticing the lack of personal articles, and clean state of the room. It was as if Kel had packed up and left. There was no sign of a struggle. The bed was made, and everything was in its place. The only signs that something was wrong were the light layer of dust; the open window, explaining the freezing state of the rooms; and the lack of personal items. Kel might have just left on a mission, except she would have left the cats on her mantle if that was the case. Kel never took them down; as long as he had known her they had been a fixture in her rooms. Neal knew that they represented the fact that she was here to stay, no matter who thought she didn't belong in this world. Their absence sent a shiver down Neal's spine as Owen called to him from by Kel's bed.

"Neal, over here! I've found something," he shouted. They all gathered around him, eager to see what he had found. In his hand was an envelope. "It's addressed to you," Owen said quietly handing the letter to Neal, who took it with shaking hands. He suddenly did not want to read this at all. Yet it was his only clue as to Kel's whereabouts, so with shaking hands, he broke the seal and removed a folded sheet of parchment.

 _Neal… I thought I was over you. I thought I could fool myself with them. Cleon and Dom. I was a fool. I can't take it anymore being near you. So I left._

 _Don't think badly of me after you read this. I tried to get over you. After all you have Yuki. I know that I am no beauty, and she is one of my friends. Besides, I could never pull it off, even if I were to try. I could never do that to her._

 _Remember to eat your vegetables, and sleep after you heal someone. Don't let your tongue run off without you. Don't worry about your wedding; you're going to be just fine. Take a deep breath and remember that you love her. Don't panic, breathe. Just play nice and survive; for me._

 _I won't be back; I couldn't stand to be around you and your… fiancé. It would kill me. I won't make myself that miserable, not even for you. I'm sorry Sir Nealan of Queenscove… so sorry._

 _I've had a crush on you since our second year as pages. Did you know that? No, of course not, you were always falling for one beautiful lady or another. I preferred it that way, even if it pained me to watch._

 _You were my best friend. I valued that friendship far too much to ruin it by telling you of my feelings. I told myself that they were fleeting, a passing thing. Then, when we were squires; I was able to convince myself that I was over you. I convinced myself that I liked Dom- it was easy, much too easy now that I think about it… he was so much like you. I should have noticed the warning signs then, but I didn't._

 _Then Cleon came, and it felt so nice to be cared for, to have someone admire me… so I let him. But he needed to marry a lady with a dowry, and I had none; not that I would have been able to marry him anyways. I would be unable to betray my heart that way… to marry another when my heart was yours._

 _I've been full of a restless energy recently. Even training doesn't calm me. I never used to pace; seeing no point in the exercise, but now I can't stop. I see your face everywhere… It's driving me insane._

 _Nowadays, I am scared to sleep. I am scared to dream… I push myself till I have no choice but to sleep, and still I dream of you… Your hair, your eyes your touch… My mind is no longer my own._

 _Even awake I remember… I remember every smile, every look, every casual touch… You're killing me and you don't even know it._

 _Even my Yamani mask is starting to slip. I say stupid things, and then have to cover for them. Lalasa has been a great help; she has been my confident through all of this. I will miss her, and Tobe; who always guessed far too much._

 _I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work. There is so much even you don't know about me… I don't know where to go if this doesn't work. I can't go to my parents, and most of my friends are yours as well… Maybe I'll hunt down an old friend… one who predates even Shinko and Yuki._

 _We were friends when we were little, and when we returned from Yamani, I sought him out again and we renewed that friendship. We have been confidents and close friends since; maybe… maybe he can help._

 _It is hopeless though. I'll never get over you… maybe death would be easier, but suicide is not an option. My only hope would be to be killed on a mission for the crown._

 _Goodbye Neal, we won't meet again. I just need to say it once… I love you Sir Nealan of Queenscove, no matter how hard I have tried to fight it._

 _I would do anything for you. If you look back you will see… I made it painfully obvious, even as I fought so hard to hide it._

 _I have relived our meeting so many times. I was a nervous ten-year-old… You were fearlessly baiting Lord Wyldon. I believed you crazy._

 _I wish I could go back, I would've gone through slower… given myself more memories to hold onto once I'm gone… but it is too late for that now… far too late._

 _My favorite memories are the ones where we are just goofing off and hanging out, where we are acting like best friends… Even as it killed me inside that I could be nothing more to you; I enjoyed those moments._

 _I'm sorry if this hurts you, really I am; I just couldn't find another way. Believe me, I tried… I tried so hard for so long. I just can't anymore._

 _I wish you and Yuki every happiness. Tell her that I apologize sincerely for ever looking at you as anything other than a friend, even when I knew that you loved each other._

 _Please tell everyone goodbye for me, and that I'm sorry… so sorry for letting them down… Raoul, Buri, Lord Wyldon, Shinko, Owen, Cleon, Dom, Lady Alanna, Merric, Roald, Faleron, Seaver, Daine, Numair, Stephen… everyone. I already informed Tobe and Lalasa where I was going… Peachblossom, Hoshi, Jump, and some of the Sparrows are coming with me. I just couldn't leave them…_

 _I've already sent my family a letter explaining that I left, and telling them not to worry. Thank everyone for being there for me… It has been wonderful knowing everyone_

 _Goodbye… I love you._

 _~Keladry of Mindelan, Lady Knight_

Neal barely felt the letter fall from his hands. He was in a state of shock, disjointed phrases from the letter running through his mind.

 _Since our second year as pages… I would do anything for you… I won't be back… I love you… so much even you don't know about me…_ _training doesn't calm me… I love you… You're killing me…_ _still I dream of you… I won't be back… I am no beauty… I won't be back… I love you… Goodbye…_

"No…" Neal mumbled. He couldn't absorb this. He was so confused. He had never even considered…

Neal was barely conscious of the others asking him what the letter said. He slowly fell onto Kel's bed, his head falling into his hands as the letter slipped to the floor.

Realizing that Neal wasn't going to respond anytime soon, Raoul picked the letter up off the floor and read it out loud. By the time he finished Neal was shaking with silent sobs as the others stared gob smacked at the letter in Raoul's hands. None of them had ever suspected this.

"I never knew…" Raoul commented quietly.

"None of us did. Not even Neal by the look of things." Roald said bringing the other two's attention back to Neal who had yet to look up.

"That letter barely sounded like Kel at all. She must have been getting really desperate to have written something like that. Some of the sentences aren't even finished." Owen added awed.

"She's gone… she's really gone…" Neal mumbled quietly. "Why? Why did she never say anything?" he screamed.

"Because it's Kel, Neal. Like she said, she didn't want to ruin your friendship, or get in between you and Yuki." Roald said seemingly calm. He was just as shaken as the rest, but knew that someone had to be the voice of reason. Kel had hid this for such a long time… he wondered how hard it must have been for her, hiding this secret from all of them. None of them had even come close to guessing. Kel and Neal were best friends, and that's all the thought they had given to it. Now though… now he could see it; how Kel always lit up when Neal walked into a room, the casual touches that were only ever between them, how they always seemed to know what the other was thinking. He shook himself out of his musings as Lord Raoul began to speak, there would be time to think more on this later.

"Owen, go get Duke Baird. He'll know what to do for Neal. Roald, you stay here with Neal and see if you can find anything else. I'll go gather everyone for a meeting. We can decide what to do there. Kel wouldn't want this letter to be read… but it is the best way to explain the situation to everyone. Hopefully we will be able to help her." Raoul said in a commanding tone trailing off at the end. Roald and Owen nodded their heads once to show that they understood before Owen and Raoul quickly left the room.

Roald looked at Neal for a moment before deciding that there was nothing he could do to help him until Duke Baird arrived. Squeezing Neal's shoulder supportively, Roald moved off to continue searching the room for anything at all. There was nothing to be found though; Kel had been very thorough when she left. The letter was the only clue that she had ever been here.

Neal didn't move at all, or acknowledge anything going on around him. He was still trying to process everything he had read. He wasn't aware of Roald searching Kel's rooms further next to him as he slowly resolved that he would find Kel. He was determined to make things right between them. He had no idea what he would say or do when he saw her, and he had no clue what to think about the fact that she… loved… _him_. All he knew that he couldn't let Kel leave like this, without even a proper goodbye. He refused to let their friendship end like that; he knew that if he didn't pick up her trail soon, that he might never find her. That would be the end of their friendship in his mind, if he didn't care enough to find her and possibly drag her back kicking and screaming… His life just wouldn't be right without her there with him. He couldn't let her go. His mind was made up in that moment, with Prince Roald obliviously searching nearby; completely unaware of Neal's decision.

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 **Author's Note: Thank-you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. Constructive criticism welcome.**


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